Mourning the Loss of a Chemical Pregnancy

Mourning the Loss of a Chemical Pregnancy: Pregnancy loss is one of the most difficult things a woman can go experience. A chemical pregnancy is a very early miscarriage or miscarriage before 5 weeks of pregnancy. If you've experienced early pregnancy loss, you understand the complex emotions. In this article, a blogger opens up about the still-raw emotions involved in mourning a chemical pregnancy.

This post is hard–really hard–for me to write. I try to keep things upbeat around here, but the fact is that’s not always how life goes. Because right now, I have tears in my eyes and my fingers can’t keep up with how fast my brain is going. This is what it feels like for the mom mourning a loss of a chemical pregnancy.

For those of you who aren’t aware, a chemical pregnancy is a very early miscarriage. It typically happens before the 5th week of pregnancy and before Baby can be seen on ultrasound.

It’s been a year and a half since that day. The day I found out I was pregnant. And although a lot of time has passed, sometimes something catches me off-guard and I’m right back in that place of mourning. Of loss. Of disappointment.

Tonight, it was a painting. Sometimes it’s social media. Usually it’s the quiet darkness of the night, when everyone else is asleep and I’m alone with my thoughts.

It was fall 2016, and we’d been trying for a second little one for a few months. Not that long, but long enough that I was ready for it to just happen already.

Finally, it did. Two pink lines.

The test line was faint, really faint. But a line is a line, and I was with child.

I took my son to buy a Big Brother shirt to wear to surprise my husband when he got home from work.

Mourning the Loss of a Chemical Pregnancy: Pregnancy loss is one of the most difficult things a woman can go experience. A chemical pregnancy is a very early miscarriage or miscarriage before 5 weeks of pregnancy. If you've experienced early pregnancy loss, you understand the complex emotions. In this article, a blogger opens up about the still-raw emotions involved in mourning a chemical pregnancy.
On the day I found out I was pregnant, Colton and I went to a pottery studio to make this craft. I love it, but I don’t usually display it because it reminds me too much of that day.

I wondered if Baby was a boy or a girl. I thought about when she or he would be due. I thought of names and nursery decor and newborn clothes.

I tested again the next morning to see the line get darker. Because I’m type A and pregnancy only makes that worse. But the line wasn’t any darker. In fact, it looked a little lighter.

Mourning the Loss of a Chemical Pregnancy: Pregnancy loss is one of the most difficult things a woman can go experience. A chemical pregnancy is a very early miscarriage or miscarriage before 5 weeks of pregnancy. If you've experienced early pregnancy loss, you understand the complex emotions. In this article, a blogger opens up about the still-raw emotions involved in mourning a chemical pregnancy.
This photo is all I have left from the baby I never knew.

All day, I tried to ignore that pit in my stomach and acted like I didn’t know what I already knew… I was going to lose this pregnancy.

And I did. The next day, the line was totally gone. And the day after that, my period came.

As quickly as the excitement of this pregnancy came, it was gone. Everything was gone in an instant.

That’s why some people think there is no mourning a chemical pregnancy. It happens so fast, and honestly, a lot of women probably don’t even realize they had one. Unless you’re actively trying to conceive and tracking your cycles, you probably don’t notice your period coming a few days late.

But I did notice. I know I was pregnant. And even though it’s been a year and a half since then, the thought of that baby still brings me to tears sometimes.

All I have left to remember the baby I lost is a photo of faint lines on pregnancy tests.

I never got to hold my baby. I never got to name my baby. Until now, my husband and I are the only two people who knew this baby existed.

And tonight, that’s really hard for me to process.

Maybe it’s selfish–I already had one perfect child. Today, I have two. My story has a happy ending: I got pregnant with our rainbow baby on my very next cycle. That’s Blair, and she is perfect. Our family wouldn’t be right without her.

Mourning the Loss of a Chemical Pregnancy: Pregnancy loss is one of the most difficult things a woman can go experience. A chemical pregnancy is a very early miscarriage or miscarriage before 5 weeks of pregnancy. If you've experienced early pregnancy loss, you understand the complex emotions. In this article, a blogger opens up about the still-raw emotions involved in mourning a chemical pregnancy.
My happy ending. Two perfect babies. For those of you still waiting on your rainbow babies, I’m sending you all the love I can.

But in this moment, I can’t help but wonder about the baby that never made it earthside. I hope there’s more to life after this, because I can’t bear the thought of this experience being the only life my baby ever had. I hope he or she is happy. I suppose that’s all any mother wishes for any of her children.

If you’ve felt the pain of losing a pregnancy, I’m sorry. And I’m here for you. I don’t have all the answers, obviously. I’m still trying to figure out my own emotions. But I understand needing a shoulder to cry on, and I want you reading this post to know that I can be that friend, if you need one.

Hugs, mamas.

Mourning the Loss of a Chemical Pregnancy: Pregnancy loss is one of the most difficult things a woman can go experience. A chemical pregnancy is a very early miscarriage or miscarriage before 5 weeks of pregnancy. If you've experienced early pregnancy loss, you understand the complex emotions. In this article, a blogger opens up about the still-raw emotions involved in mourning a chemical pregnancy.

As I mentioned, I’m lucky that our story has a happy ending. To the moms seeking success stories in this time of turmoil, I’d love to share more of our rainbow baby’s journey with you:

Pregnancy Announcement for a Second Baby

Second Baby Gender Reveal with Big Sibling

VBAC Success Story

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4 Comments

  1. Hi Tricia, I stumbled on your post and I’m glad I did! I just had a chemical pregnancy that ended in a very traumatic “miscarriage” (in quotes because it’s hard not to want to stick to the facts that it was a chemical pregnancy, while still KNOWING that there was a life and soul inside of me beginning to grow!). I hope you’ve found hope and meaning in the time since yours, but if not, I wanted to humbly offer you some deep comfort that I cling to so hard. The Bible can be confusing to some, but when you read it and listen to others that know it better than you, the words come to life as they are meant to! Friend, our babies are in heaven! They never knew a day in the blue sky wonder of this life but the Creator of all life saved them in His own way and welcomed them in His arms the moment the pregnancy failed.
    It tears me up that I didn’t get to name them and hold them and see my husband love on them as he does with our first. But I hope this brings you comfort that God is a good God who loves His creation. If you ever need a friend to talk to (I’m sure many people reach out to you), I would love to talk. May God bless you and your little family on this earth and in heaven. So special to be able to worship with them at church because that is exactly what they are doing – singing praises to God in heaven!
    May God bless you guys,

    1. Hi Rachel, thanks for your thoughtful comment! I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. Although a chemical pregnancy is an early loss, there is still an overwhelming amount of grief that goes along with it. I hope that, whenever you’re ready, a sweet rainbow baby will find his or her way into your life with perfect timing. Sending you and your family lots of love 🙂 Please feel free to reach out any time if you want to talk. I check my Instagram DMs much more often than my blog comments, so just shoot me a message if you want to chat! I’m @covetbytricia on IG. Thank you again for stopping by and have a wonderful day!

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